The War on Christmas is only a war in that people are douche-nozzles.
You know what I find war-like?
A bunch of mean-spirited ass-hats that try to force me to change.
When you boss people around?
Yeah. That’s war-like. And I don’t like it.
Take your stupid war away from me.
Stop trying to force me to stop saying Happy Holidays.
“Happy Holidays!” I can say it if I want to. Fuck off. But, you know, in the merriest of ways.
If I offer you a greeting, god damn it, you take my greeting and be fucking happy about it. Don’t tell me how it should have been phrased. If you’re trying to say that one may ONLY utter “Merry Christmas” with regard to all the celebrations that fall between November and January, then you are not only a bossy ass-hat, you’re also a dumb-dumb.
Do you think Christ spoke English? Do you think the apostles spoke English? Do you think the people who first began celebrating Christmas spoke English?
The answer is a loud, obnoxious, and definitive NO, you guys. They did not speak English. So if you’re gonna get bossy and tell me how to say something, at least do your homework and get that shit right. How exactly DOES one offer Christmas greetings in Greek or Hebrew? Hmmm?
Oh, this message is quite nice, too. “Season’s Greetings, Bitches!” That totally works, right?
But let’s skip language for a minute. The fact of the matter is, you’re being awfully presumptuous about my phrasing. You’re trying to interpret my greeting of “Happy Holidays” as exactly translated to mean, and thus replace, “Merry Christmas.” That’s your error, and it’s a very silly one. See how there’s an “S” on the end of the word “Holidays”? Yeah. That’s because I’m not just talking about Christmas. I’m also talking about Thanksgiving. Oh, and New Year’s Eve. Plus, all those other things that I don’t celebrate but that I recognize, as an empathetic individual {as an American; as a citizen of this society; as a member of humanity}, that other people around me *DO* celebrate.
Look, you uppity Christians.
I’m allowed to wish joy and peace upon people. I’m allowed to do so whether they believe in Christ or the Flying Spaghetti Monster or nothing at all whatsoever. I’m allowed to wish joy and peace upon anyone I want, regardless of race or religion or sexual orientation or anything else you can come up with that makes you think you’re better than group XYZ.
Moreover, I’m allowed to phrase it how I want. No one is telling you to stop saying “Merry Christmas”. But for GOD’S SAKE {seriously}, stop telling me to stop saying “Happy Holidays”. It makes me want to punch you in the face. And that’s a horrible way to feel during the holiday season.
Stop trying to force me to buy gifts I don’t want to buy.
I already covered this one. It’s just that it bears repeating here because your stupid war is getting on me and it’s causing a rash that’s beginning to itch.
Gift Exchanges are a stupid waste of money and a horrible burden of unnecessary familial guilt, in case you missed the memo.
Stop trying to say Santa is a white guy.
Perfect!
I really cannot believe anyone would be so asinine as to ascribe racial or ethnic or cultural qualities to Santa, an imaginary and magical entity. Santa is GLOBAL, bitches. He can’t be just white. He is whatever any family needs him to be. He is every color.
Get off Santa. Stop dictating to others how he looks. You can go ahead and think he looks however you please, but you don’t get to paint YOUR opinion of Santa as fact.
That would be really, really dumb, given that the idea of Santa is a farce in the first place. He is imaginary, you guys. Who gives a shit what he looks like?
WE AREN’T EVER SUPPOSED TO REALLY SEE HIM.
Duh.
Stop trying to say Jesus is a white guy.
Really? Do I have to go into this?
Middle Eastern = can’t possibly be white.
I’m sorry if that hurts your fragile understanding of the Christ child. I suggest you get over it, though, because geography is one of those things that actually exists. Like dinosaurs and evolution. If Jesus was an actual person, which lots of history suggests might have been the case, then he was not from North America. He was not a citizen of the United States of America. He wasn’t traveling around the Bible Belt {which didn’t even exist yet during his time}.
He was in the land of sand and brown skin. Your god should be awesome enough to handle this knowledge.
But really? Again, I ask – who gives a shit what Jesus looks like? Is your faith in miracles and whatnot defined by how big Christ’s nose is? That sounds a bit, um, anti-Christian-ish to me. You might want to rethink your stance on this one.
Stop trying to take away Santa on the premise that lying to kids is evil.
“I’m watching you!” Not if I pop off your head, you’re not.
Jesus Christ, you guys.
You’re taking away Santa and replacing him with some jerk-faced Elf on the Shelf? Do you even realize how stupid that sounds?
Come on, Christians.
Get your act together. In your perpetual contest to be the perfect little housewife / stay-at-home-mommy / teacher / Pinterest whore, you are fucking things up for the rest of us.
See, while you’re off over there NOT spanking your spoiled little shit, who has never been told NO and thus actually requires some creepy Elf to pretend to monitor his/her activity, the rest of us are over here with well-behaved children who actually listen {for the most part}.
Santa isn’t evil. The fucking Elf is evil. And so are you, if you try to take away something my kids look forward to all year long.
Don’t be a buzz-kill, okay?
Stop trying to take away Christmas trees on the premise that pagan decorations are evil.
Fuck you. Seriously. Because the whole god damn Christian religion is pagan. The entire celebration of it is pagan. I mean, if you’re going to get all out of sorts, you’ve got to go whole-hogged and quite Christianity altogether.
Now, please understand that’s exactly NOT what I’m telling you to do. I’m just saying, pick one and get there. You can’t just call part of a pagan belief system “pagan” and sweep the rest under the rug. All of it – from the crazy immaculate birth of your miracle-man to his resurrection to all of his magic tricks to every single thing about Yahweh and his prodigy – all of it is a pagan mishmash of other religions that came before.
And it’s truly beautiful how it has managed to assimilate so many different faiths into one big ball of ongoing, perpetual Legend.
But let’s not pretend here that the tree is the only part of Christmas that’s a bit wonky. You take away the tree, let’s call the whole thing off.
The war on Christmas is bringing me down.
I’m tired of it.
I don’t even believe in the things that Christmas is supposed to stand for. But every year I try to find that spark of humanity, that magical light that glows within us all, proving we are united and that we are all basically GOOD. This year you’re making it really, really hard. I’m not feeling it.
“The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.” ~Buddy the Elf
If that’s true, Buddy, then I will send you off with this wonderful rendition of… wait for it… HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Tell me — how do YOU perceive the so-called “War on Christmas”? Is it bringing you down? What’s YOUR favorite holiday greeting? I’m thinking of going all Hunger Games and telling people “May the odds be ever in your favor!” How’s that Christmas spirit?
