Easter is Christmas #2

Easter is Christmas #2 because of “Wish Lists”.

When I was a kid, the Easter Bunny brought cute little dollar store items like crayons and bubbles and rinky-dink shit like that. And candy, of course. Lots of candy. There were always two bunnies, one chocolate and one stuffed. And that was pretty much *IT*. No complaints here; I was always quite pleased with this post-Christmas, pre-summer loot. It was just the boost I needed to get me through the rest of the school year.

 

How the times have changed!

Those dollar store items are much more obtainable these days, so a cheap-o puzzle or a box of crayons is no longer serious booty for this generation. My daughter has a krillion crayons all over the house. I have extras stored away for next school year, unopened and purchased when they went on sale for 49-cents. I’m a snob – I bought Crayola. Otherwise I could’ve gotten some crappy ones on sale for a quarter.

 

Crayons are school supplies, “givens” to be taken for granted.

Crayons are NOT cool gifts. Crayons are not even UNCOOL gifts. Crayons do not belong in either stockings or baskets, unless you’re a weirdo parent who never buys crayons, in which case I’m sorry for your kid, because SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS – I’m poor as all hellz and even my baby has crayons galore!

 

But anyway, fuck crayons.

I’m not talking about them anymore. What I want to talk about now is how Easter is Christmas #2 because of “Wish Lists”. The weekend of St. Patrick’s Day, my 8-year-old daughter pulled out a notepad and began her Easter Wish List. I didn’t even know we were allowed to make requests of the Easter Bunny, and I feel kind of cheated. I would like a do-over on my childhood, please.

 

So here’s a glance at a portion of her list:

1. Cadbury Cream Eggs (that’s my girl!)

2. Kittens (plural. because one just isn’t enough…? Never mind the cat we already own.)

3. Computer (WTF?)

4. Skylanders (didn’t get enough for Xmas, eh?)

5. Cell phone (WTF?)

 

There were several other reedonkulous gifts on her list.

But I can tell you right now that the only things she got that she asked for were the Cadbury Cream Eggs (along with lots of other candies and treats). The Easter Bunny also brought a DVD she wanted very badly, and which I am still surprised over: THE LIFE OF PI. I mean, I loved the book, and really enjoyed the film’s representation of the written tale, but never expected my kid to sit through it completely spell-bound. Of course, we’re talking about dolphin-girl, so I guess I shouldn’t be shocked. She also received a book which my is looking forward to stealing… er… I mean to say, the activities of which my hubz is looking forward to completing with his little girl. And of course she received a stuffed animal. Not the requisite rabbit, but instead a big, fluffy horse. You’d have to know Abbie to understand why that’s the better way to go.

 

FYI, my adult-son received similar items in his Easter basket.

Candies and treats, a DVD, and a book. He had requested at Xmas time that Santa bring him some classic Disney films, which Santa neglected to bring. Thank goodness Easter is Christmas #2, because my 19-year-old little boy got THE LION KING from the Easter Bunny. He’ll probably kill me for revealing what book he received — one from THE MAGIC TREEHOUSE series — but he has gotten one of these in hardback every year since kindergarten, and always smiles nostalgically when he sees a new cover. He didn’t receive a stuff animal, but he seemed okay with that.

 

Easter is Christmas #2 because we’re a split family (double the gifts).

My parents never divorced, so I only ever got the one set of gifts. Again, I feel a bit cheated, like somehow I would have made out a lot better if they’d split up. Not that I want my parents to divorce or anything, it’s just that… my daughter gets a LOT of stuff. First, she has like 500 sets of grandparents. That’s almost not an exaggeration. Check it out:

 

My mom and dad.

My hubz’ mom and step-dad.

My hubz dad and step-mom.

My ex’s mom and dad.

My ex’s wife’s mom and step-dad.

My ex’s wife’s dad and step-mom.

 

I don’t know if you were counting, but that is definitely closer to 500 than most families, yes? So all those sets grandparents each spoil the shit out of her. And then Abbie’s dad does a full Easter with her. And then I do a full Easter with her. That, my friends, is a fuck-ton of gifts. And totally backs up my suggestions that Easter is Christmas #2, even without any other reasoning. I’m sure you agree.

 

Easter is Christmas #2 because we’re a split family (double holidays).

Remember how I said that Abbie’s dad does a full Easter, and then I do a full Easter? I totally meant that. Up until this past Xmas, we “shared” her. Even though our Shared Parenting Plan indicates we’re supposed to trade off holidays, we always just traded off sometime during the afternoon, so that she got to see everyone, and everyone got to see her, too. But at Xmas, it was decided that she should spend the day with her dad, and then at Easter it was the same thing. Both times we were really cool about it, and adjusted our calendars to celebrate the holiday with her the following weekend. We’re flexible, you know? And it’s not the DATE that counts. It’s the family time.

 

I’m not gonna lie.

There’s an added benefit in that everything is on sale the week after the official holiday, which means we can buy a lot more stuff. So I’m not completely unhappy with the new set-up. Mostly it’s great for Abbie, because she gets to wake up at her dad’s house with her baby brother and run out to see what Santa or the Easter Bunny brought, and that’s a really important tradition I want her to be able to enjoy with her younger sibling. But it’s rough on extended family, who isn’t as free with their calendars as we are with ours. And I get that. DATES may not count for us, but maybe for others, dates *DO* count. And that’s okay. We’re not exactly what you’d call a traditional family.

 

Easter is Christmas #2 because of all the religious overtones.

Seriously, I don’t understand why Xmas gets the big hoopla while Easter seems like the wicked step-kid of Christian holidays that barely gets any inheritance. I’m not a Christian, but it’s my understanding that Xmas is when Jesus was born, which is kinda cool for them, I guess, and the Easter season is when he got all crucified and whatnot, killed, sealed up in a cave, and came back to life (but not in the zombie way). So it seems to me that Easter should be the holiday that everyone goes nuts over, but it’s not. I mean, Christmas season starts around Halloween time-frame, amirite? At least in the retail world it does. And Xmas has its own pre-holiday sale (Black Friday), whereas Easter has, like, NOTHING. Well, maybe Mardi Gras counts, but how many of us even know WTF Mardi Gras means beyond beads, beer, and boobies? So yeah, I don’t get it. Christmas should totally be Easter #2, but instead, Easter is Christmas #2. It’s completely ass-backwards.

 

I rest my case.

I’m sure you agree, after careful consideration of my presentation herein, that Easter is Christmas #2. As a non-Christian, I can’t say I’m happy about that. It feels so fake and Corporate America and commercialized and crap-tastic to me. And I feel like a total douche for celebrating religious holidays that commemorate events performed by or unto a mystical-magical guy I don’t believe in. Even though the Christians did steal these holidays from earlier worshipping dumb-dumbs who had their own god-stories, so I don’t really beat myself up about it TOO badly. Still. I wonder how the Bunny will have melded into a form of Santa in the far distant future. It’s bound to happen. And I wonder how those two characters will tie into the Jesus story… if he is even still around in the centuries to come.