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Mommy Wars: Reason #1 Women Suck

Right now I’m in a crappy mood. I just finished reading an argument between two moms verbally beating each other over the head because each believed her way was not only the BEST way, but was truly the ONLY way to raise a child.

This fight could have been about breast vs. bottle.

It could have been about home school vs. public school.

It could have been about allowances vs. expectations.

It could have been about anything, really.

Cat Fights: Reason #2 Women Suck

Women — moms in particular — love to fight with each other. And then there are the few of us who just want to be left alone. Is it any wonder I have very few local female friends? Online, I can just delete or ignore or deep-six a bitch. In person, though? How does one politely avoid an argument while still maintaining some sense of dignity? It may come as no surprise that I am not very good at this. I don’t like being cornered. And women can be MEAN. One time in high school this girl named Tanesha slapped me just because I was sitting where she wanted to sit. I wasn’t being antagonistic or anything. She just walked up and told me to move. I was all like, “No! I was here first. Get your own seat.” And then she hauled off and smacked me upside the face. Her brother had to pull me off her. I hear I was giving back pretty good.

Obsession: Reason #3 Women Suck

I want to avoid this topic now. I want to get it out of my head. I want to go watch Dr. Who with my hubz and eat ice cream. But this stupid WAR is caught in my brain. Fucking women, you know? If I wasn’t a woman, I could just forget all about it and move on to a different, more fun topic. I was supposed to write about McDonald’s today. That would have been so much more yummy. I could go on and on about the magical qualities of their fountain Coke. Or their McDoubles-hold-the-pickles. mmmm. But no, here I am ranting again. I hate you, stupid brain.

Shitty Driving: Reason #4 Women Suck

And guess what? We ARE worse drivers than men! There, I said it. Dispute this if you will, but it doesn’t make it any less true. We went to watch fireworks and parked in this little housing section where cars were parked on both sides of the street, so that two-way traffic was really having a rough time getting through. Every time a vehicle came our way, I could tell you if it was a man or a woman based on how far over into our side of the road the driver came. I was ONE-HUNDRED-PERCENT correct.

Shark Week: Reason #5 Women Suck

Women menstruate. Do I really need to elaborate on this one? Okay, fine. Because you asked, I will. My son pointed out that the brain of a shark strongly resembles the female reproductive system. So we now refer to my “time of the month” as shark week. I think we can all agree this one is accurate. All the reasons that Women Suck are totally amplified during this time period. As if we weren’t bad enough without the extra hormonal issues to complicate matters.

In conclusion, I would like to point out that WOMEN SUCK. Just in case you missed it.

Be sure to check out this post over at Dad Blunders! It’s a great article!

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dadblunders

I couldn't stop laughing Andi-Roo. As a man, this is a topic I would never touch in my own home out of fear of never sleeping again with my eyes closed. You were able to say things with such good humor and maintain a sense of direction in the post. You truly were outstanding in it! I wonder if I should do one now on the top reason men suck....I worry about the title though. I am not so sure it would go over so well in the dad community. I might have to consider top reason men can be idiots or brainless.....what do you think???? Aaron

Wallace1770Mary

Boy, lots here. 1) I never had kids and was an only child. I used myself for that example and am I glad I dodged that bullet. 2) My father was my primary caretaker and I never played with girls. We played cool war games and read history and stuff. 3) I OBSESS over EVERYTHING and still do. if anything it gets worse as I get older. At 56, I'm beginning to think I have some bizarre form of autism. Music, logic and language have lived in my brain pretty okay most of my life, now numbers want to move in; I'm not sure there's room. It's getting full in here. 5) Shitty Driving? The only thing that made me a shittier driver was going blind. The only thing that made me stop was when I had four near misses in a month. The numerical odds should be a teeny weeny bit better since I stopped but probably not by much. 6) Not to rain on the Shark parade (a Mixmaster of Metaphors) but Menopause did nothing for my Sharkiness. I'm just pretty much a toothy monster all the time now. Neat stuff, as always. xoxo, Mary!

Andi-Roo

I think it would be fabulous! I was considering following up in similar vein myself, but I'd much prefer to see someone else's spin on it. Let me know if / when you post it & I'll for sure give it a mention here to send people your way! That would be HILARIOUS! Thank you for such kind words --- I will be stopping by your blog to return the favor! :)

Way to avoid the Mommy Wars, Mary! I consider that a great success! Also, boy toys are *WAY* cooler than girl toys, typically. My daughter prefers Hot Wheels to Barbies any day. I had a thought about your sight issue --- if it makes things any easier, I read all my blog posts, so listening might give your poor eyes a break. Just thought I'd let you know! If you do listen, you get to hear me mess up a lot. ;)

Mary Wallace

Wow, I am going to try listening! I have never, ever thought of that, honestly. After all these years of type, look, play and listen... guess I'm hard-wired, lol. Excellect suggestion! By the wya, I don't mind mess ups. I'll decipher your aural ones, you get to decipher my typed ones. Thanks for the tip.!

Glad I could help! Let me know what you think.

[…] will come from but they usually strike me when I least expect it. I read a post entitled “Women Suck” at TheWorld4Realz and it made me laugh. As a married man, this is a topic I would never […]