Tooth Fairy Inflation

Dear *Every Parent*,

If your little child recently lost a tooth, and you aided the Tooth Fairy in leaving anything more than $5 under that child’s pillow, then you are an asshole. Seriously. We don’t all swim in fucking money, you guys. Some of us are POOR.

My daughter lost a tooth yesterday.

Since she is eight, this is less adorable than it was when she was only four. I can hear all the Joneses* out there gasping that I would dare think my child is ever anything but the most perfect child on the face of the Earth, but it’s true. My daughter is pretty goddamn special — but only to me. And none of your kids matter to me in the slightest. Let’s not pretend otherwise.

Stop gasping. It’s perfectly okay to admit that your kid’s 500^th lost tooth isn’t as keepsake-ish as the first five. Saying so does not make me any less in love with my beautiful baby, and I promise not to think any less of you when you finally come to the same simple conclusion with YOUR little gem.

Our baby-kins worked diligently on this particular tooth removal.

It was quite impressive, really, because normally she is pretty squeamish about this sort of thing. Blood, cuts, scrapes, bruises — it all creeps her out major and brings on the water works. You could almost go so far as to say she’s pretty much a freaking crybaby, but if I say that then someone might get all offended and call Children’s Services or something rash like that. But yeah, my girl does not do well with injuries.

She beamed with pride once the extraction was complete.

With a stream of red pooling on her tongue and dripping down her chin, she excitedly showed off her accomplishment to everyone in the house. It was pretty fucking disgusting. But we all told her what a great job she had done, called her brave, and kindly urged her to go wash her freaking hands and clean up her grody gum line.

Then came the sticker shock, wherein we learned a couple things:

1. the reason behind her eager tooth-pulling activities.
2. the shocking reality of Tooth Fairy Inflation.

“Sometimes the Tooth Fairy leaves twenty-dollar-bills under the pillow!”

My hubz and I exchanged glances.

These glances were not loving, mushy stares filled with sweet little hearts and bubbles. These glances were, instead, large-eyed WTF stares. We likely resembled deer caught in a headlight. Because who the hell is going around giving their kids twenty-dollar-bills in exchange for a piece of calcified body-part? YOU, DEAR ONE, ARE AN ASSHOLE. That’s not Tooth Fairy Inflation. That’s rotten parenting.

And you’re ruining it for the rest of us.

After our precious angel went to bed, we glumly discussed our options. My hubz’ suggestion was this:

“Tell her the Tooth Fairy isn’t real, and then urge her to pass on this heartbreaking news to all her friends who received $20.”

Practical and satisfying, yes.

Would definitely take care of the Tooth Fairy Inflation quandary. But not really very nice, and definitely not how I want to address with her whether or not magic exists. What I’d really like to do is kick all you Joneses* in the vagina. It’s YOUR fault I’m in this quandary.

If you’ve got so much money floating around, maybe you should send us a twenty to stick under her pillow tonight.

I’m sorry.

Tooth Fairy Inflation or otherwise, I just don’t have $20 to give to my child — a child, let us remember, who only just finished second grade. A child who has no concept of the value of the dollar. A child who is eight.

Who the hell gives $20 to an eight-year-old, anyway? Except maybe a crazy old grandparent. I could see that. Or like that weird aunt we all have locked up in the attic. But otherwise? Nada. No one. Nobody. Not gonna happen.

Thanks a lot, you guys.

I can only afford to pass the Tooth Fairy a fiver. So now my daughter is going to wonder why the stupid Tooth Fairy doesn’t like her as much as she likes the other kids who obviously have better parents since they can afford to drop $20 like it ain’t no thang. At eight years of age, my daughter is already going to learn how much it sucks to come from the economically oppressed side of the tracks.

And it’s ALL. YOUR. FAULT.

PS. In re-reading this rant, I realized belatedly that some of you might not understand what I mean when I refer to the Joneses.

*The Joneses are those idiot fools who spend all their money trying to one-up each other in some crazy ploy to achieve world domination by being the biggest, bestest, shiniest, fastest, most cool people EVER.

Joneses are usually douche bags. You can tell because they take their kids on Play Dates {read my rants regarding this dumb-dumb invention HERE and HERE} and worry about buying the newest trendy item on the market at Christmas.

Also? They bitch about stupid shit on Facebook and are ridiculously competitive. Most of them can hardly spell, and they tend to like romance novels. They are almost always white people whose parents paid for college, where they were lucky enough to meet their spouse, who now takes care of them so they can afford to get their nails done regularly like that’s just what normal people do (it isn’t) and take fucking palates or yoga or zumba or whatever.

The Joneses, in conclusion, are stupid, bitchy motherfuckers with way too much money and time on their hands.

PPS. I obviously wrote this while in a snit.

I’d like to be able to say I’m sorry, but the truth is, I’m just not. Maybe it’s PMS. Or maybe I’m just tired. Or maybe the planets aren’t aligned correctly. Or maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. WHATEVER. My point is, I’m standing by my statement.

Because if you give your child $20 for a tooth, you’re a fucking asshole.

PPPS. I just realized why some of you assholes might have caved in to Tooth Fairy Inflation: It’s probably because the tooth came out right before bed-time and you had to rush over to an ATM, which of course only spits out twenties. And you were in too much of a hurry, or too lazy, or too tired, or too whatever-ish to follow-up at a gas station to break that bad boy down into fivers.

So you got that twenty-dollar-bill out of the machine, MAYBE thought about going somewhere to break it for like two seconds flat, and then thought, “FUCK IT.” So you gave up $20 (and possibly an ATM fee) for a tooth. And thus Tooth Fairy Inflation was born.

PPPPS. I had that ATM revelation because I, in fact, endured this hardship last night. And I succumbed.

I gave up my ATM-twenty because I couldn’t be bothered to drive to the gas station 15 minutes away to break it into fivers.

And now I’m a hypocritical asshole. I added to Tooth Fairy Inflation.

I’m sorry, you guys.

Silver Lining: At least I’m not one of the Joneses.