Quiet! Shut Your Face!
1.
We are at my sister’s house hanging out. I say something silly, and my sister laughs because, honestly, it was pretty ludicrous. I laugh with her, then turn to my silent hubz, and shout, “Quiet! Shut your face!” Which sets my sister to laughter all over again.
My hubz looks at me, flabbergasted. “I didn’t even SAY anything!”
“But your expression spoke volumes,” I counter.
This lighthearted play turns into a serious conversation about body language.
2.
My mom gets upset with me because I guess how she feels about certain topics. She tells me, “You can’t read my mind!” or “You don’t know how often I bite my tongue!”
I bring all this up in my discussion with my sister and hubz. I tell them how every expression my mom experiences passes across her face, and that this is because she is an open book, and she is extremely fay, and she is smug in her stances and simply can’t help a victorious or wry expression.
We agree that body language is an unconscious form of communication and that my mom, too, should “Be quiet! Shut your face!”
3.
We talk about people on Facebook who chime in on a conversation with the witty addition, “I’m just not going to say anything,” and we wonder if that comment is, in fact, “saying something.”
We agree that, if you state, “I’m biting my tongue,” the very statement itself negates its meaning. If you’re speaking, you’re not biting.
Silence on a topic can only be indicated by, well, SILENCE. Quiet equals quiet.
4.
The conversation drifts away from all this psychoanalysis and moves on to other, less quiet, more serious topics, like bacon.
Later, I read a fascinating and helpful blog post {“From the trenches of parenting a highly sensitive child.”} about highly sensitive people (HSPs). I forward the piece to my sister. We gush over our personal epiphanies, the realization that we weren’t alone, that our personalities are neither flawed nor out of the realm of “normal.”
We cry. We cheer. We order the book mentioned in the post.
5.
The book, by Susan Cain and entitled Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, has long been on my To Be Read (TBR) list. It comes highly recommended by other bloggers and authors I follow.
My sister and I have only just started reading this fascinating work, yet, even though we are barely through the introduction, already we have learned things about ourselves, our children, our relationships, and our worlds.
- We are capable of paradox: “radical humility” and “quiet fortitude.” Think silent strength; leadership by example rather than by exertion of power.
- “The animal kingdom also boasts ‘introverts’ and ‘extroverts'” which means this is a quite natural phenomenon and you cannot possibly understand how happy this makes me.
- “Humanity would be unrecognizable, and vastly diminished, without both personality types.” So basically I’m awesome. Or at least, I’m no less awesome than the average extrovert. So I’ve got that going for me.
- “Yet today we make room for a remarkably narrow range of personality styles.” — even though “one third to one half of Americans are introverts.” Holy shit! That is a lot of people hiding in their self-made caves, avoiding phone calls, turning down invitations to parties, and put off by large crowds.
- It’s no wonder that I didn’t realize the large size of the group to which I belong, since “closet introverts pass undetected.” That’s because the majority of us have been told we need to come out of our shells since our personality is obviously marred. Ha!
- And that’s all due to “the Extrovert Ideal — the omnipresent belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha, and comfortable in the spotlight.” Interestingly enough, I have what would be considered by many to be an obnoxious, sometimes bitchy, personality. And I am fine with giving speeches or leading classes delivering instruction. So apparently I can fake extroversion like a goddamn boss.
- And I have said variations of this statement many times: “We like to think that we value individuality, but all too often we admire one TYPE of individual — the kind who’s comfortable ‘putting himself out there,'” or as I like to phrase it, able to play the game. A game to which everyone else seems to have the rules while I’m still back here fumbling to pick out my game piece.
Introverts really get a raw deal. It’s considered “a second-class personality trait” which is bullshit, y’all. We are expected to fit the bill of extroverts, which is “an oppressive standard to which most of us feel we must conform.” You might scoff at the use of “oppressive” but that is honestly the way it feels. It’s easy to say, “Just be yourself,” when “yourself” is deemed slightly weaker than your counterparts.
Think I’m wrong? How about this: “The vast majority of teachers believe that the ideal student is an extrovert.” Yes! How many times were you made to participate in group projects? Or told to participate more in class? To raise your hand more often? These are all extrovert activities which introverts are forced to endure. And if you think “endure” is too strong, you are clearly not an introvert.
[Which is funny because, generally speaking, introverts are more likely to know the answer to a teacher’s questions, but less likely to want to tell anyone; more likely to avoid the negative attention that comes with being smart, but less likely to overlook errors when someone else gets it wrong; more likely to become dismayed at spotting shoddy work, and less likely to be happy with mediocrity. It is the Introvert’s mantra that Ignorance Is Bliss. I often dramatically cry, “Take these eyes from me, that I may not see!”
See “A High IQ May Also Have This Mental Cost, Psychologists Find” for more on this phenomenon… Or here’s the cliff notes version: “serious disorders of mood such as bipolar disorder are the price that human beings have had to pay for more adaptive traits such as intelligence, creativity and verbal proficiency.”]
6.
Which is why my sister apologized to her oldest son after reading this section. He has always been painfully shy, and she pushed him to join clubs or sports in order to make him more social. Now she’s backing off that, and accepts that he is simply more introverted than even either of us.
And which is one reason I am choosing to homeschool my daughter this year. The urge to push her into society’s embrace can be very strong. But, while Abbie is not shy in any sense of the word, she is also fine being on her own. From the time she was three, playing at preschool, she kept to herself. I watched her sit in a corner with a puzzle or some blocks, happily building and creating, humming to herself. Other kids would come play with her, and she quietly accepted them into her circle. But she never invited them first, and this was deemed problematic by staff and family alike.
We teach our kids from early on that YOU HAVE TO NEED PEOPLE TO BE HAPPY. Abbie knew what many adults are only just learning as they approach their 40s:
Happiness comes from within, and if you are content with yourself, you will always know your place in the world.
As an introvert, I have experienced “deep psychic pain” and felt that “there is something inherently wrong with me.” I want Abbie to know she is fine the way she is. My sister wants her kids to know they are fine the way they are.
7.
“From an evolutionary perspective, introversion must have survived as a personality trait for a reason — so what might the reason be?”
I believe introversion allows us to have a cultural conscience. We believe humanity is set apart from or even above the animal kingdom. Because we have remorse, a sense of shame, morals, a knowledge of right and wrong. Without these traits, we would be no different than the monkeys.
Guess what? These traits are all characteristics of introverts.
[Read “Ten Reasons Highly Sensitive People Are Highly Valuable” for more positive traits.]
It is our very reticence to join society which makes us the most human, and which keeps society grounded.
The author hopes readers find “a newfound sense of entitlement to be yourself.” I’ve already found that in spades.
I can’t wait to see what else I learn in the coming chapters!
- Have you read Quiet?
- Are you an Introvert or an Extrovert?
- Do you know any HSPs?