You are psychotic and your son is a mama’s boy.

I’ve seen this stupid meme thing around on Facebook {I know, I know, but I just can’t stop looking!}.

It’s a list of “rules” directed at girls.

And as the mother of both a son AND a daughter, it pisses me off.

1. Respect me as his mama.

There is a small and tiny window of opportunity for which every male-seeking woman must search, and the line is quite fine. We want our men to have great familial relations, and a man who gets on well with his “mama” is statistically more likely to get on well with women in general. This is a lovely relationship, in and of itself.

BUT.

That fine line I mentioned? This is it: A man who gets on well with his “mama” might just be a fucking Mama’s Boy. And by this term I do not mean anything disparaging toward his sexuality, sexual prowess, or sexual nature. I’m not referring to his manhood or strength. I’m not calling him “girly” so please do not call the Misogyny Police out on me.

When I call someone a “Mama’s Boy” I am saying that he will always cater to his mama. He will always choose her over anyone else. He will always defer to her opinions and ideas. And he will never, ever back you up when the chips are down.

I was married to one of these ass-clowns, and TRUST. It wasn’t pretty. He was a very nice man, and he did, indeed, get on well with his “mama”, and he could be a perfect gentleman. But his mama was a roaring bitch and any time I stuck up for myself, it rocked boats and made waves with his entire extended family. And when I asked him to speak up for me, that gentlemen of a husband bowed out and said he didn’t want to be stuck in the middle.

I’ve got news for you, Sweetpea. If you’re a man, and you marry a woman, you are in essence saying to your spouse that you cherish her above all others – including your mama – and this means you are in the middle. If you aren’t okay with that, don’t marry a strong-willed woman.

As for my own son, I trust his taste and respect his choices. I brought him up to be kind and generous toward ALL people, regardless of their sex. If he decides to marry a bitch, that’s his decision. He’s a grown fucking man, and I can offer my two cents, but he isn’t required to put my two cents in his pocket.

Of course I hope he doesn’t marry a bitch. But more than anything, I hope he finds someone who makes him happy. If I ever find myself in the horrible position of making him choose between his mama and his partner, I will feel zero remorse when he tells me to back the fuck off. But then, I’m not likely to ever be in that position. I’m not a cunt, and my son is a gentleman.

“Respect me as his mama” has no place on a list of demands directed toward my son’s future spouse. They won’t be marrying me, and it’s ludicrous to insert myself into their relationship. Quite frankly, it’s kind of skeevy.

2. You text it, I will read it.

Okay, I have to assume this is directed toward high school students, because (a) my son is twenty and Hell-to-the-NO I am not reading his texts, and (b) anyone under high school age doesn’t need to be texting and you are part of the problems in this world if your little middle school miscreant already has a cell phone.

But okay. Let’s talk about this mama reading her teenager’s texts. I have very, very, very mixed feelings about this one. On the one hand, YES of course responsible parents are tracking what’s going on their kid’s life. So checking in periodically makes sense.

But notice I said “checking in”… not outright spying and reading every single fucking message! I remember all too well how it felt to be trapped, to lack freedom, to have no control over my life. Being a teenager sucks ass, you guys. You’re all full of grown up ideas and you’re being held to adult standards and there are all these expectations being thrust upon you… and yet you still aren’t old enough to drive, or vote, or party, or (for some of us, anyway) choose your own friends or even your own clothes.

I grew up in a home with zero privacy, and as a result I learned to be devious and sneaky. Not exactly how I want my own kids to turn out. So we grant them control over the small things, and we give them privacy where we can, and we trust them to make smart choices. For the most part this has paid off in spades. My son is a hardworking and trustworthy guy, and my daughter is a delightful and kind little girl. We seem to have a pretty decent balance: They have room to be themselves, but also know boundaries. We also do a lot {my son would say A FUCK TON} of talking. So doing more than checking in would be overkill and is just unnecessary.

“You text it, I will read it” is kind of ownership-ish, and I really don’t want to be that much in charge of my kids. There’s this phrase – helicopter mom – that comes with a matching helmet.

3. I’m everywhere.

Seriously? You are coming off as one psychotic woman. That quality is never attractive.

You aren’t everywhere.

You’re on your computer, simultaneously pinning recipes while reading your son’s texts.

And your ass is fat.

4. You hurt him, I hurt YOU.

Um. You realize how crazy you sound, right? Just in case that one slipped by you, lemme lay it out for ya:

• {a} Teaching your child to be vindictive is way uncool. You are confusing the idea of “justice” with “vengeance”. Unless, of course, you realize the difference and you really are just a bitch. In which case, you might want to get some help for that, because vindictiveness is SO last century.
• {b} Seriously, mama, you need to let your son get his heart broken. How else will he learn to love, or to make better choices next time around? If you protect him from getting hurt, you do him a grave disservice. My son has this awesome phrase tattooed on his arm: “Strength through pain” or something to that effect. I believe that applies not only in the gym, but in love as well, and basically in all of life.

If your son gets hurt, don’t get all huffy and seek retribution. This isn’t the Dark Ages. Instead, consider asking your son what you can do to help him through his sadness. And then when he sweetly tells you that he doesn’t want to talk about it, since males are rather less verbose than females, be an awesome mom by baking him some cookies or some shit like that. And ask him again the next day how he’s doing. But for all that is holy, don’t ask him more than once a day, and don’t bash the ex who crushed his heart.

5. Be a lady.

… “Because I’m in charge of you” is the rest of that sentence. And YEAH, mama, guess what? You aren’t in charge of anyone. Not even your own kids. Because once they leave the house, they are free to make their own choices, for better or for worse, and suffer the consequences. That means {*le gasp*} they might decide to date someone who isn’t a lady. She might be, instead, some real hoopy frood like me. Or, you know, alternatively, a crack head.

But you don’t get to decide that. You don’t get to tell other people how to behave, and you don’t get to choose who your son falls for.

“Be a lady”… {*snort*}

Hey, yeah, fuck you. You go be a lady. The rest of us are over here having beers with the guys.

6. Lie to me, I will find out.

No, you crazy bitch, you won’t.

Because it’s none of your goddamn business.

Jesus.

7. He’s my prince, not your toy or door mat.

If you call your son your prince, you can probably keep him forever and that is just sad.

Don’t you want your son to find love? Why are you holding him back like this?

You’re coming off like Norman Bates’ mother.

8. I do better research than the FBI.

This may or may not be true.

However, it’s irrelevant, because if you’re trying to say that you are digging for dirt on all your son’s potential love interests, then this is NOT, in fact, something of which to be proud. It once again shows that you need to get a job or a hobby or a friend or a sex life.

Or, you know, anything besides your son.

This interest in his future partners is rather disturbing. There’s “love” and then there’s “stalker-ass-crazy-person”.

You’re falling into the second category.

9. No drama queens allowed.

Refer to #5.

You can’t decide for your kid who he will fall in love with.

And I happen to know some quite functional drama queens, thank you very much.

Moreover, I’ll take a drama queen over your crazy ass any day of the week!

10. You break his heart, I will be your WORST nightmare… I promise!

Refer to #4. Like, pretty much verbatim.

Apparently you ran out of steam toward the end of this list, but like me, you wanted a nice, round TEN items because multiples of five are awesome.

I have an idea, Mama.

• Worry about things like teaching your son to put the toilet seat down – or better yet, to keep the damn toilet closed altogether.
• Ensure he washes the penis germs off his hands after pissing.
• Show him how to do laundry, so that if he sharts in his undies he has to clean that nasty mess his-damn-self.
• Make sure he knows how to cook things like eggs, spaghetti, rice.
• Give him a love of reading.
• Offer your thoughts on decency, generosity, dignity, honor, spirituality, equality, integrity, and love.

Then back the fuck off.

Because if you have taught him all these concepts, you will have molded a fine young man who will make great choices in life – including where he finds love.