Happy Dick-less New Year

* It should be noted that I wrote this PRIOR to New Year’s Eve. That matters. No, for realz.

 

DICK-LESS JOKES

• 

  New Year’s Eve – Peel and Stick Wall Decal

  It’s true. This New Year’s Eve will be Dick-less. 

• I don’t even know how to start off a year with no Dick. It doesn’t seem right.
• Why, Dick? Why won’t you be giving me any this year? 

Okay, Andi-Roo, enough with the Dick jokes.

 

The whole thing is just so tasteless. *BAM*

 

Right, I’ll stop now.

 

DICK-LESS BALL DROP

The truth is, we all loved Dick, the radio and television personality who passed away in April of this year. Yeah, that’s right, you sickos — I’ve been talking about DICK CLARK, not penises!

 

Dick Clark is dead?! why didn’t I know this?

— Autumn

 

 

I know, right? I wasn’t aware of it, either, Autumn. I’m going to say there is something profound about our mutual lack of celebrity gossip — like, we have a life. Or something. Just go with me here, girl.

 

I know Dick skipped a year or two of the Ball-Dropping Count-Down in NYC, but we always knew he’d be back. I mean, it’s Dick-fucking-Clark, am I right? When he returned to us with a speech impediment due to a stroke, we all cried with relief that he was on the air again, crooked mouth and slurred speech notwithstanding. He could have gone on the air with no arms or legs, and we would still have cheered to see him alive and, well, not “kicking” per se, but SOMETHING, at any rate.

 

Alive. Living. Moving. Going on. Surviving. Contributing. Sharing. Giving. Smiling.

 

God, that smile. Even after his age finally got the best of him and turned his mouth all droopy, that smile spoke to our hearts. Dick Clark was a paragon of entertainment from another era, long gone but not forgotten. His name is etched on our hearts and he is truly the essence of heading boldly into the unknown future.

 

He is, after all, known as the world’s oldest teenager. I think I read that somewhere.

 

New Year’s Eve won’t be the same without Dick Clark — Watch ET’s tribute to “The World’s Oldest Teenager” et.tv/12TvhGf

— EntertainmentTonight

 

 

DICK-LESS MUSIC

The dude introduced rock as we know it today to the adults of last century. According to Michael Uslan (producer of the new Batman movies), “he was able to use his unparalleled communication skills to present rock ‘n roll in a way that was palatable to parents.” Can you even imagine? Music from stars like Elvis Presley had to be delicately introduced to parents, who thought this was some seriously raucous shit!

 

DICK-LESS DANCING

Without Dick around to show us the moves like Jagger, or to count down to the New Year, I’m not sure how we will ever survive 2013. According to some, this is all a farce and we’re about to be overtaken by zombies anyway.

 

If we go over the cliff tonight, zombie Dick Clark will emerge from his tomb and eat our souls. Which would be awesome.

— Cuffé

 

I wonder if Zombie Dick Clark would eat Ryan Seacrest or spit him out? I wonder, too, whether Ryan would stick around and dance it out, fighting Zombie Dick for the rights to the Ball…

or if Ryan would run away screaming like a little boy child?

 

Ryan Seacrest: Ringing in 2013, but missing Dick Clark this ‘New Year’s Rockin’ Eve’: apne.ws/WQvKoo -SS

— The Associated Press

 

Regardless, Ryan will have big shoes to fill. If you’re able to read this on January 1, 2013, I guess there were no Zombie Dick take-overs. Which somehow just isn’t quite as fun.

 

*sigh*

 

Happy Dick-less New Year, everyone.