Child of Farmer Rap strikes again:
BOOM-BOOM DIGGY-DIGGY BOOM-BOOM-BOOM
BOOM-BOOM DIGGY-DIGGY BOOM-BOOM-BOOM
This is what I hear going by the front of my house about once week. Some hotshot teenager who forgets this is a six-street village surrounded by cornfields. Some punk-ass who wants me to believe he is very, very serious about living in the ghetto. Some white kid who lives in a nice four-bedroom house with two bathrooms and who likely has a Gold Pass to Kings Island.
Riiiiiiiiight. You are totally gangsta, boiiiiiiii. I’m scared. Please put away your glocky-poo and I promise not to withhold the tomatoes at our local farmers market where we’re likely to meet up, since WE ALL LIVE IN FREAKING FARMLAND. Stupid-headed dumb-dumb.
Child of Farmer Rap just wants to be understood:
My hubz says I’m doing this guy a grave disservice. He says that, since I used to live in a FOR REALZ city (as opposed to a cute little village in the middle of the cornfields of America), I have been conditioned to think that the bass blasting through my windows and rattling my dishes sounds like this:
First I’m gonna RAPE YOUR ASS BOOM-BOOM-BOOM
Then I’m gonna KILL YOUR ASS BOOM-BOOM-BOOM
I defy you to name for me any rap song that sounds more romantic. Cuz I don’t know of any that DO sound sexy and sweet, and that DON’T sound like they’re threatening to get down before they rip my heart out of my throat and shove it up my twat.
Child of Farmer Rap could be a lover:
Maybe I’m wrong though. Maybe the raps flying by outside are actually love ballads. Maybe the guy is actually singing:
I’m gonna TAKE YOU OUT BOOM-BOOM-BOOM
To a five-star EATERY BOOM-BOOM-BOOM
Candlelight dinner and I’ll TAKE YOU HOME
Kiss your CHEEK and drive AWAY BOOM-BOOM-BOOM
Somehow, I doubt that’s what Farmer Rap person is singing along to. That would fail to properly respect the tone that is set with hoodies and sagging pants.
Child of Farmer Rap isn’t alone in odd juxtapositions.
Let’s talk about British rappers. Seriously. I fucking love your sweet Old World accent, you English people. For realz. I’m not being facetious. I really do. I want a British accent so badly that sometimes I walk through the grocery store pretending I’m not from America, speaking all proper and whatnot with my “G’day, mate!” and “Care for some tea, Love?” My daughter surprised us all once by pulling a British accent out of her pocket. I have no idea where she picked that up.
O.O
Anyway.
Here is what I believe a British rapper is trying to say:
“I’m a hip gangsta in a contemporary world of bullets and warfare. Hear me roar and whatnot. Be afraid of my anger and shit. Grrr!”
But what I end up hearing is more like this:
“My ancestor’s slew dragons, eh wot? I seem to have misplaced my armor. Bully for damsels! Care for some crumpets? I have some tea prepared back at the castle.”
It’s the ultimate mix of Old World tone with New World sound. And it completely doesn’t work for me, in any way whatsoever.
Child of Farmer Rap, and British rapper person…
… won’t you guys consider trying a different shtick? Like I dunno, maybe you’d be more convincing as an ‘80s hair band. After all, my son says that decade is BIG “in” right now. You should totally give it a try. Go on. I’ll watch and tell you if it works.