Dear Everyone to Whom I Would Have Sent Christmas Cards

… if I did that sort of thing.

I always MEAN to send cards.

I really do.

I have all these great intentions of sitting down over Thanksgiving weekend and busting out with the Merries and the Hollies and the Hoo-rahs and the Go-Go-Gadget-Decorations-Galore.

But it just doesn’t happen.

Because of REASONS.

WHY I DON’T DO CHRISTMAS CARDS THANKSGIVING WEEKEND:

Here’s what ends up really happening.

Thanksgiving Day we start out at my in-laws’ house, then head over to my parents’ house, then end up at my sister’s house. Sometimes there are other stops in between at various cousins’ and crap like that. Whatever.

By the time midnight rolls around, we’re all exhausted.

My hubz crawls home, as he always has to work the next day (God bless Corporate America and their Black Friday bullshit), and I spend the night with my sister so we can plan our Black Friday making-fun-of-shoppers extravaganza (which will never happen again thanks to commercialism seeking all new lows).

So Thursday and Friday are a total wash.

Saturday I’m still recovering from all the holiday hangover happy, so that’s a wash, too. Sunday usually ends up the first day any of us feels like getting out of pajamas, so my hubz and I proceed to NOT get out of pajamas anyway, because we’re lazy like that and it feels good to thumb our noses at social conventions. Plus? It’s a great day to catch up on Netflix.

WHY I DON’T DO CHRISTMAS CARDS AFTER THANKSGIVING WEEKEND:

Suddenly Monday rolls around.

And {BOOM} the Christmas season is officially upon us. That is some bullshit right there. I never actually FEEL it happen. The season just hides behind the fridge and jumps out at me and I’m all, “EEK WTF!” I resent this surprise appearance, because there are like 500-krillion weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I mean, have you seen a calendar? They aren’t even on the same page. That is LOADS of time. Why be all rushy-rushy at me?

Besides.

life is somewhat back to normal as my daughter heads back to school and prepares for some holiday program that will take place at some far, distant date in the future. This goes on for about two months, or thereabouts. Still plenty of time.

WHY I DON’T DO CHRISTMAS CARDS ANY TIME LEADING UP TO CHRISTMAS:

Oh, and did I mention all the fkn bdays in my family?

Both my kids, plus me, plus my niece. That’s four people to get gifts for that are NON-Christmas related. And let’s not forget the anniversaries of both my sister’s and my mom’s weddings. I don’t have time to think of the holiday season when all that nonsense is going on. Christmas will take care of itself, okay? I’m not there yet. Still got time. Seriously.

Somewhere along the way…

I start freaking out that we don’t have a tree up yet. So we do a rush job to get that bad boy tossed into place and throw some decorations at it. Usually. This year was a special case because we had neither a tree nor decorations, due to an untimely flood in our cellar last year that ruined everything and I can’t even talk about that or I will start cussing at people because it totally could have been prevented if someone had just…

Okay. Never mind.

I’m not going there. This is the holiday season, right? Not supposed to be pointing fingers and laying blame at this time of year.

My mom and sister are awesome.

They showed up out of the blue one day and donated a tree and decorations, which was so fucking cool I still can’t even believe that shit happened. But it did. It happened. And it was jolly and whatnot. Right up until our awesome (asshole-ishly clever) cat knocked it over. Three times now, and counting. In the last week.

Birthdays and anniversaries are now behind us.

I begin to see that I’m running short on time.

So I make a list.

It’s pretty short, so there is no need to check it once, much less twice.

• Christmas music. CHECK.
• Tree. CHECK.
• Presents. Oh fuck me. When is pay day? Okay, schedule that in.
• Christmas Cards. Not even happening till presents are taken care of. Fuck cards. Whatever.

CHRISTMAS CARDS COULD STILL HAPPEN THE LAST WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

But they don’t.

By then I am so over Christmas Cards that I almost get angry whenever I receive one in the mail.

“Oh, look. Aunt Cray-Cray sent a Christmas card. That bitch has HER shit together. Great. And she’s thin, too. I hate her and her stupid annual Christmas cards.”

“Did you see the Christmas cards our parents sent? They’re on the tree. Because we needed more decorations. And because, as reminders of my intense failure as an American, I had nowhere else to put them.”

“Our friend Poopsie just had a baby, but somehow she managed to get family photos taken, and OH LOOK THEY ARRIVED MIXED IN WITH ALL THESE CHRISTMAS CARDS. Poopsie and her organizational skills can kiss my ass.”

So…

When you don’t receive any Christmas cards from us, like, EVER, please don’t assume you were left off our list. The truth is, I don’t even have a fucking list at this point. And I have decided not to be sorry about it. I don’t need that added pressure. I can hate myself for a thousand other reasons. I don’t need my lack of Christmas cards to be one of them.

Maybe I’ll get something put together in time for New Year’s Eve. But probably not. I don’t usually start feeling “with it” until Spring.