Candy Crush had a great marketing campaign.
I don’t recall ever seeing it advertised. If there were commercials on TV, I missed ‘em, since we don’t have cable and only watch what’s available on Netflix. But I don’t even know where else I’d have seen ads for Candy Crush.
Obviously I saw them somewhere, though! Because one day, the game was everywhere. All my tweeps on Twitter were talking about it, as though it had been around for the last twenty years.
You guys – Candy Crush is NEW, this century. Stop acting like it’s old hat. I’m not falling for it. Moreover, Candy Crush is stupid. But I might have already said that.
Anyway —
That’s my first complaint about Candy Crush.
And YES, I have more complaints than just the one complaint. And even though I can’t really blame trendy-ish-ness on an inanimate object when the blame should clearly be placed on YOU, the public, I’m going to include it in my list.
BECAUSE I CAN.
I am always suspicious when fads attack.
When new styles of clothing crop up {like wearing high heels with capris, for instance — Stupid}, or new “cool” words / terms {like “LOL”, for instance — Acceptable}, new hatred of celebrities {like , for instance — blasphemy}… when all these modes, methods, and means become commonplace within two seconds flat, I am always suspicious.
I don’t know how you guys do that, as I always miss the fucking memo. And since you always leave me out, I always assume you’re a stupid-headed dumb-dumb.
So I’ll admit it.
When Candy Crush first entered my field of constant recognition, I automatically assumed the game was stupid. Turns out I was right {indeed, Candy Crush IS stupid!}, but I had to play it first to confirm my assumption. Because I’m open-minded like that.
And of course, my hubz made fun of me, because I had fallen prey to the whims of the wild masses. He knows how much I despise you wild masses and all your crazy whims. And besides, he knew full well that Candy Crush is stupid.
Another acquaintance accused me of enjoying the game.
She was all,
“You’re playing it because you like it. You’re addicted. Just admit it.”
No, bitch. You’re wrong. Dead wrong. I didn’t enjoy Candy Crush at all. And here is why.
SEVEN REASONS CANDY CRUSH IS STUPID:
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Candy Crush is stupid because it’s trendy. As I already stated. Pay attention, Clown.
- Candy Crush is stupid because the music is fucking annoying.It just drones on-n-on, the same tuneless tune. It reminds me of the ice cream truck that tools around our village, except even that is broken up with the occasional “Yoo-hoo!” whereas the Candy Crush “music” is not trying to get my attention so much as lull me into a false sense of security so that weird girl can come out of the screen and eat my brains. I might be making that part up. I had to mute the sound every time I played because it drove my hubz mad.
- Candy Crush is stupid because the words are fucking annoying. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. These platitudes are offered in a cult-like monotone. It seems like there is some kind of code behind the words, some message I can’t quite understand. I worry you’re all being brainwashed.
-
Candy Crush is stupid because that weird girl with the weird arms is weird. My eight-year-old daughter was looking over my shoulder at one point and shrieked, “What is wrong with that girl’s arms!? They aren’t attached right!” She ain’t wrong. The girl is freaky. And creepy. And altogether deeky.
- Candy Crush is stupid because the gameplay is simply another version of Bejewled. Which I also thought was dumb. Pattern recognition isn’t really THAT difficult for you wild masses, is it? Enough that an entire game is based upon rewarding your ability to match-up like objects? Really? Then I must hate you.
- Candy Crush is stupid because the life span is short, even if you’re winning. So there I was, playing the first few levels and beating ‘em like a BAU5. Totally taking that candy ass DOWN. Making that weird bitch swing her arms ‘round and ‘round. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a message sprang up announcing that I’d have to wait before playing any further levels. Excuse me? Fucking EXCUSE me? Are you serious? That is so stupid I can’t even stand to talk about it without getting riled up. And yeah, I know it’s a free game. But I can play as many levels of Sudoku as I want without being forced to take a break. Is this like what happens every hour at the pool, wherein the lifeguard blows a whistle and forces all the kiddies to depart the waters for hydration and potty breaks? I cry BULLSHIT, you guys. I’m a grown ass woman. I don’t need some game telling me when to take a piss.
- Candy Crush is stupid because leveling up is impossible without public interaction at some point. Now, this accusation is merely hearsay, because I quit playing before reaching this stage. My sister assures me, however, that it’s true. At some point beyond Level 35, you can no longer play unless you receive “tokens” from your buddies on Facebook. Look, you guys. I detest Facebook. And I always {block*} those requests to play games via Facebook. Those games are stupid and a waste of my time. NO, I do not want to give you a cupcake or a tree, and I do not want to join your team of vampires or pirates, and I will never, ever help you rake leaves or till the land. Just… NO. So there wasn’t even a slight chance in all of the vast lands of Hades that I would be asking anyone for “tokens” in order to watch the weird girl swing her weird arms as I progressed through the game.
So there you have it.
Enough testimony to believe me that Candy Crush is stupid. Hopefully you all come to your senses and delete that app from your phones or handhelds or electronic what-have-yous. If you keep playing, that is certainly your prerogative, but just be aware I am over here judging you.
And harshly.
* If you would like to learn how to block game requests on Facebook, read ’s article “Blocking Facebook Game Requests: How I Crushed the Candy”.
Make me understand.
Are you a fan of Candy Crush? Or do you block that shit pronto? Do you play all those stupid Facebook games? WHY? No, for realz — WHY?